I love mornings (haha, we all know I don’t) and, when I have to deal with people who can’t choose a lane or go the posted speed limit, that’s like the cherry on my ice cream sunday (again, it’s not). In fact, every morning, I climb into my car and look forward to all of the idiots I get to put up with during my commute.
Like most normal, insane people, certain things just grind my gears. However, it’s starting to seem as though that list gets longer every single morning. For example, today I saw a vehicle from New Jersey do a u-turn in the opposite lane’s turning lane. Yet, there are five types of people who really aggravate me anytime I venture out onto the highways.
First, the old people/scenery viewers. Although I fully support the right that allows old people to drive and those who like the scenery to see it,¹ I would really rather they didn’t do it between seven and nine in the morning. Like, for real bro, I have somewhere I need to be and you are intentionally driving slow. What the hell is wrong with you that makes you think this is okay? It is NOT!
Second are the people that can’t seem to choose a lane. Although I can kind of empathize – since I’m indecisive and all – I don’t like being slowed down because little miss soccer mom can’t seem to choose between the only two lanes on the road. For the love of everything holy, do not ride the middle line, at least when it’s visible (so ninety-nine percent of the time). If I’m right next to you and you keep swerving back in forth and barely crossing that middle line, I’m not going to swerve when you get to close. I’ll let you hit my car and pay to repair it.
Next, we have the tailgaters. I’m not talking about the kind that party, I’m talking about the ones that are so far up my ass that I can’t see the bottom of their windshield in my review mirror. Back off, dude! I will not speed up to make you happy. In fact, I’ll most likely just slow down at that moment when your option to switch lanes is gone. Actually, my favorite thing to do is slam on my brakes and hope you destroy my bumper, since it’s already got a few scratches that I would much rather blame on your poor driving abilities.
Fourth on my list are those who are too busy doing everything, but driving. I’m talking about those cell phone addicts, the channel changers, the make-up artists and the eaters. For goodness sake, do it somewhere else. I don’t want to be waiting behind you at the light, wondering when you will finally move, because your girlfriend sent you some nudes. There is a time and place to do everything I listed (and somehow, more), but it’s not on the road when you’re behind the wheel.
Last, but not least, we have the people who screw with semis. As a full disclosure (and, I swear to God, if someone who disagrees tries to start an argument about this, I will not hold back), I am not talking about the drivers. I am talking about the people who ride next to the trailer (because those tires will most likely kill you if they explode), cut off the semi (if you can’t see the driver, they can’t see you) and won’t let them into the lane, even though they’ve had the blinker on for six miles. You idiots should probably realize that their semi will smash your little car into confetti if you stop on a dime, it weighs a hell of a lot more than your car does and they will lose your job if something happens due to your irresponsibility. Treat them with respect, they deserve it since they drive your groceries and goods across the nation.²
Actually, after reading this post, I think I have less of a road rage problem and most people just have questionable driving skills.
¹Actually, I don’t. I think old people should have to retake their driving test because I’ve road in a car with my grandma and it’s terrifying. And scenery watchers should, literally, take a hike.
²Seriously, though, I truly want to thank all of the semi drivers out there. You guys are amazing and I think the way people drive around you is truly ridiculous.